One of the first steps on your journey to healing from trauma is to establish a sense of safety and one way to do this is by putting boundaries up by removing yourself from the threats that worry you, and from the danger, as a form of self-protection. Remove yourself from people who overstep your comfort zones in anyway such as those that are boundary busters in your life, people who don’t respect your needs and personal safety. Know your limits. Find your voice and clearly state what you will and won’t allow, what you do and don’t feel comfortable with and believe that it is your right to establish healthy boundaries around every area of your life that needs one. You’ll soon learn who will respect your boundaries and who won’t and then you can adjust your relationships accordingly and remember, you are never responsible for other people’s reactions towards your boundaries.  If they don’t like your boundaries and don’t respect them, it’s usually because you’ve taken their control over you away from them by pushing back if they intrude across your line in the sand. But it’s not about them it’s about you. Yes, you’re right, this is easier said than done, especially if you’ve never understood boundaries or if you’ve never been allowed to have them. But just start small by establishing some safety nets around you and your confidence will soon grow in this area. Be bold. Be strong. Believe in yourself and know that it’s always ok to say no! In fact, by saying no to something, you’re saying yes to something else, and you can control that part of your life.  If you say no to attending a party tonight that you really have no interest to go to, you’re saying yes to yourself.  Yes, to spending your evening in any way that you choose, which frees up your time, your mind, emotions, and choices to do what you want to do that evening instead. That is drawing a line in the sand and putting a boundary around your free time to spend it as you wish to, and with whom you want to spend it. If you’re asked to volunteer your time for a good cause, again and again, to the point where you’re over tired, over committed and don’t have the time to do other things in your life that need to be done, it’s ok to pull back or step away completely from the voluntary commitment because you have the right to choose how to spend your time.  Your time is your responsibility and it’s within your boundary of authority to dictate how to use it.  Say yes to the other things that are a priority in your life by saying no the voluntary commitment.

Excerpt from Fran’s book, “What To Do When Life Sucks”